DREAMING TO BE A STUDENT EVER AFTER
It was the first and the last time in my whole life that I completely understood why students commit suicide after the SAT’s. I was sitting on my hard chair in front of my familiar light, brownish table, where I had been studying for the last 12 years. My eyes were focusing nowhere, and I felt lost. I was bogged down in the swamp of total defeat. The only thing I could do was to think. Think about what I had just done. I thought about what I had just thought, and then, everything became blurred. I couldn’t do anything. It was only one day after I had screwed up my SAT.
What made me sink into deeper grief was the dim future that awaited me. I didn’t want to face it. I had grown up hearing that unsuccessful ambition is worthless. It was not just me. Every student is forced to study extremely hard for success. There were no jobs, there was no worthiness, and there were no opportunities for those who didn’t go to university or even those who went to a low-level university. As a result, blowing the test meant that I would become one of life’s losers.
In Korea, to escape from being surplus people in society (Giho 55), one has to study. Even the teachers in my high school suggested I apply only to high-level universities in order to elevate the reputation of my school in our town. It seemed like a competition for schools to see how many of their students would go to a good university. They seemed to be most interested in making big banners to display in front of the school indicating that they succeeded in sending students to THIS University. For students, there were no dreams. We didn’t know how to dream. We didn’t know what we wanted to do in the future because no one taught us that we had choices. No one ever said anything about dreaming.
With unsure expectations, I finally finished writing ten applications and spent almost 700 dollars. I, understandably, chose the most popular universities and the most popular majors at each university. I chose general mathematics, mathematical statistics, architecture, education, urban engineering, and natural science. Did I know what those majors were all about? Did I know what I wanted the most? Did I know what my dream was? No, I did not. I did know that they were the best. They were the prestigious majors. Soon however, it was obvious that my 700 dollars had come to nothing. Six of the applications were returned telling me not to come. But I didn’t feel sad. I wasn’t unhappy at all because I had never wanted to study what I had never even dreamed about.
The result of this whole process of finding my university was that I was partly accepted by one in the major of architecture. When the result was announced, my homeroom teacher printed it immediately and came to me gasping. She called me to the back of the classroom where all the students were studying quietly. Her face was full of pride because she had finally succeeded in having a good student. I, however, couldn’t be happy. I just went back to my seat silently, hoping no one was looking at me. I grabbed the paper calmly and folded it perfectly in half. At the same time, I folded my mind perfectly in half, so as not to hope anything. Even though that paper indicated that I had gone one step further than others, I felt nothing.
Finally, the day came. It was Thursday of the third week in November, and it was a very cold day. The wind chilled me to the bone, to the head. Lots of students from other schools were mingling in a quiet classroom. Even just right before the test, I didn’t take it seriously. It was all just like a normal test, not a matter of life or death. However, when I opened the booklet of the math exam, I literally panicked. The exam became an opponent. It was too hard, and ironically, it was the most important subject for me to be able to enroll. I couldn’t focus on the rest of the tests at all. After the whole exam finished, I walked home alone in the dark. Every minute seemed like a thousand. Whenever I saw mothers of students, I felt guilty that I couldn’t do well and I really didn’t want to go home. I really didn’t want to graduate from high school. I really wanted to stay in a safe school without thinking of the future, of being an adult.
The day after I screwed up the SAT was quite different from what I had expected. I thought that it would be the most horrible day of my life, but it was quite normal. The sun shone on my face, the wind blew through the window. Another day had just started normally, but I had not. All the things I had planned for after the big exam had come to nothing. I was deeply disappointed in myself and everything around me. I just cried, lying on my bed, and I started to hate that I was still alive without any future. I hated that all the expectations of me that I would have been a good student had been false.
Through the process to be successful, I had become completely exhausted. I had never had the chance of knowing myself, being concerned about my future, dreaming about ambitions. I was just made to be a person who graduated in good circumstances. I couldn’t expect glory because I didn’t know what it was. Because I didn’t think about it. Because I didn’t imagine it ever. Finally, I got lost.
I knew that studying was the only important thing, and also, that only studying could make students go to university. I, on the other hand, regretted that I had not found out more about my dreams, my interests, or my goals because I would have been more prepared for choosing my future. I would have had more positive thoughts about myself. Maybe I wouldn’t have had to experience that depressing time at all.
In the end, and after many more applications four of which were accepted, I decided to study architecture. I was interested in making something with my hands, and moreover, I didn’t want to study mathematics or science any more. I still remember those days with regrets. I now realize that if I had known that I would study architecture, I would have found another university that has good architectural programs. However, I also think that I was very lucky that one of those applications fortunately turned out to be my dream, my future. Although this was the most depressing period of my life, it was a part of my experiences. It is part of me.
Only studying can make students go to university nowadays. But I insist that dreams and knowing about oneself are just as important as studying. Sad to say, in Korea our harsh society sees dreams as unnecessary luxuries for students. I read a book about high school students and university students’ youth recently. It was written by students and one teacher, and it talked about dreams, teenage issues, and our current society. Students don’t want to be adults who seem to be persons without freedom and happiness, even though adults keep saying they will succeed if they follow the rules of society. So, as young adults, we keep saying to the world: We have dreams, we have desires. Why can society not acknowledge this?
Works Cited
Giho, Eom. “Why this is Not a Youth." Gyunggi: Hyekyung, Kim.
15 Oct. (2010): 52-58.
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